Part I: My Dead Heart Beats Again
When I went up to Starbucks Sky Garden that night he was not yet there. I told myself I’ll just go through it and that it will be the last time I’ll be going out with him. When I saw him coming towards me I looked at him and thought that I’m not really attracted. I played nice, walked beside him towards Pizza Hut where we had our dinner. When we got to our table I asked him to sit next to me as I’m concerned about my tank top going low, he’ll be so lucky if I give him a free show. He refused and sat across me.
I paid for the dinner just to shrug off the “intimate” date and let it be a normal friendly date. When we got out of the place he insisted that he treat me to a coffee shop “Sa Seattle’s Best, natry mo na ba dun?” He got one of my weaknesses – coffee! I smiled unknowingly since I couldn’t reject the offer, “Sige.”
We went across Trinoma and found myself inside SBC. “Ano gusto mo?” he asked. “Ikaw na bahala” I replied as I got a table for us.
The first sip was – “heaven”. The best frappuccino I ever had and the desert was a like thousand angels singing as I chewed it slowly in my mouth. I couldn’t have enjoyed myself more than ever and I know that it was so good since I was smiling the whole time.
When we finished with our coffee he invited me to go upstairs for a smoke, a total turn off. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and there I texted Evan saying “the best ka pa din.”
We got a cab when we decided to go home. We both live in 10th avenue but his house will be the first stop from Trinoma. I joked around saying I’ll fetch him home since I’m much older so that his mom would not worry. He said “Hindi nga? Gusto mo pumunta sa bahay?” then suddenly the joke was on me. He asked again and again while we were nearing his house that I panicked and said “sige na nga.”
When I got out of the cab I was getting very tense as I was going to see his family on our first date! He went inside first, I was standing outside frozen. He went back out to call me to go in. There I saw his brother sitting while watching Megamind. His mom was at the kitchen sink and when she turned around and saw me she was surprised. It was really the first time that Rick brought home a girl to introduce to his family, “Ano na ba ‘tong napasok ko?”
But I was happy by their reaction towards me. His mom even went up to have his dad looked at me. I was appreciated by the whole family – it warmed my heart, a feeling I never expected from them. I was smiling genuinely, even Rick. His brother was even teasing him “pakain ka naman!” When me and Rick were preparing to leave, his mom was asking me to come back again and eat lunch with them the next day.
I couldn’t stop smiling up until we reached my house, opened the door and went to my room where my sister was sitting. “Ano’ng nangyari?” my sister asked. “Wala, Masaya lang ako.”
Part II: The Hardest Decision
I couldn’t sleep that night and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so overwhelmed with what happened that evening. How much I was welcomed by the family, how happy they were upon seeing me. Still smiling my eyes began to tear up. Fear began to fill up my heart. Crying while smiling – smiling while crying? I never imagined that I would feel so much happiness and so much sadness at the same time.
I posted a smiley on Facebook and it got Evan intrigue. He called me and asked me what happened and I told him about my encounter with Rick’s family. I cried the whole day the next day. Thinking of what I will do. I would really like to feel again what I felt the other day when I was with Rick, I want to feel courted. Feel what it was to be a girl for a moment but if I do it will mean I have to break it off with Evan. “Can I survive without Evan?” For a long time that we’ve been partners I can’t imagine how I can live a day without him. It would be like walking with one leg. What if I was wrong about Rick? Then I will lose them both.
Rick was texting me that day saying his mom asking for me to come to their house and have lunch with them. I declined the offer since my eyes was already sore from crying. My mom and sister who never seen me cry about my love life saw me cry that day and I didn’t even care. My mom said “Baket mo iniiyakan? Patay na ba?” She was thinking that Evan left me for another but my sister said “Ma, siya kaya ang may iba. Haha!” They were making me laugh about my situation. Evan was not texting me the whole day that I began to worry. “Hindi ko pala talaga kaya” I called him and said “Bati na tayo, hindi na ko makikipagkita sa kanya.”
I meant it but couldn’t do it. When I saw Rick at the office my heart was saying “What if this is the answer to my prayer? What if he was really the one? What if this was the chance I’m asking God?” When I came home I texted Evan saying it was over.
The next few days I felt so broken hearted. Full of guilt, full of pain, full of sorrow. How could I? How could I be the one to break the promise we had when we were 16? How could I just dump all those years that we went through? All those trials we both trying to overcome came to waste just like that? How can I be so SELFISH???
Food became unappetizing. Getting enough sleep became a struggle. I often wake up so early in the morning and couldn't get myself to sleep some more. I was clinging to Rick’s attention since he’s the only one who could make me smile but I chose not to ask for his help to make me feel better. It was my burden that I intended to carry alone and solve on my own. It wouldn’t be fair for him if I use him as a rebound guy.
One morning when I wake up again before dawn I decided just to browse in the internet just to kill time. My sister was now getting worried and asked me what my problem is? I burst out crying “nadedepress ata ako.”
Before anything bad ever happen to me I decided to go seek for help from God. I asked my manager’s permission if I can take a half day off to go to Quiapo Church. There I prayed for Him to help me take the sadness away. I visited Fr. Frank who I had never seen for a long time. When I finally got the chance to talk to him I let it all out. All the things that’s been on my head that’s making me so depress.
I really felt it, God’s answer to my prayer – His love for someone like me. After that day that I went to church I felt so light and so relieved. As if a heavy burden was taken off my shoulder. God really helped me through it all. He healed me.
Part III: Another Chance
After you experience all the misunderstandings, the heartache, the disappointments, the arguments for a very long time your heart becomes numb. Numb of the feeling of joy, of happiness, of appreciation. I was amazed that Rick made my heart beat again. It’s like he breath life to my dead heart.
I never did mention this to him but there were things he did that reminds me of Evan.
His first invite for a dinner was at Tokyo Tokyo, just like Evan, he also ordered potato balls just like he did. I haven’t even remembered that event until then. Just like Evan, he dearly love his grandfather and a mama’s boy, their knowledge about world war history, his enthusiasm with anime and online / lan games. It made me reflect and realize this: I so longed and prayed to God when I was a teen to make Evan mine, that when He eventually said yes I experienced so many hardships on our relationship but when I prayed to God that I’ll accept whoever man He destined me to be with I met Rick. It’s like God was making me experience the same story but with a better man and a better kind of love.
I thought to myself? Why haven’t I met Rick in the first place then I wouldn’t have been hurt from my relationship with Evan? But then, how could I appreciate Rick if I hadn’t experienced all those things. Will I even look to Rick with the same kind of love if I haven’t yet been with Evan? I doubt it. As I aged, I had seen God’s plan for me materialize. How all of those things He let me experience became the person I am now and how my heartaches made me appreciate the man I am with today.
January 21, 2012
For you my dearest Rick,
I’ve been through sorrow before I met you and it led me to experience love and happiness at its full height. I will be devoted to you as long as you are with me. I will love you to the fullest taking the chance that you might hurt me the deepest. I will look after for your happiness and if ever the time comes that that happiness will not be me then I will give it to you for that is how much I love you. Thank you for loving and taking care of me. I am lucky to have known of this feeling of love that others longed and searched for.
From,
Jeca
