Tarnished Love

Heartaches, they have different effects on people. For some, they found new love - a love that treats them better, some discover their real sexuality or may have found their calling, others turned out to do the same to other people, lashing out their revenge and outrage, but for me, having felt how painful it was to be lied, disrespected and betrayed to, I came to tell myself, “I’ll never want to be the cause of this kind pain to other people.”

I’ve closed my mind with this principle, I wouldn’t let myself be someone else’s mistress, a home wrecker or the other woman. I came to hate others doing it but when someone very close to me became one, I had no choice but to understand their situation. 

What is it that led them to this situation? Why haven’t they stop at the beginning if they know it wasn’t right, that they will hurt the people who loves them? Why with someone already committed, much worst, why with someone already married? Why???

Going deeper, I saw the realty of marriage. That it’s not true that after being married you will live happily ever after like what those story books are telling. I saw people making the mistake of marrying someone because they’re stressed about their age, then eventually finding someone who they clicked with. I also saw how staying on an abusive household will have an effect on the members of the family. Why would I try to keep the family together if it is no longer functioning well? Who am I to deny their so called love?

But this much I hold on to myself, that there is still true love. In this time where broken family and unfaithful relationship is all around me, I say to myself, there is still love, that pure and true love, like the love I’m getting from Rick and the love that I am seeing with my family. 

  I thank you Rick for always making me feel loved. You bring such joy to my heart that I am deeply fulfilled with happiness and contentment. Thank you for being true to me. I still remember that day when I said this to you, "'Wag mo ko lolokohin ha, masisira tau" I am so scared that I'll go thru the same ordeal again, but you quickly replied, "Malamang masisira tau kung lolokohin kita." Buti ka pa alam mo yan. My heart was at peace when I heard your answer. You knew that mistake will never be right. You knew how vulnerable I am and you took great care for me. Baby, I love you to the fullest. Thank you.

I thanked my friends, who at the time I was heartbroken and feeling so sorry for myself, they were there to carry the burden with me. That when the time I was in a long distance relationship, they have kept me company. That they were there when I was feeling so lonely and alone. From that long distance relationship I came to strengthen my bond with them and eventually polished me to be more confident, to have myself respect back and eventually loving and valuing me as a person. I also would like thank my cousins who showed me how wonderful it is to have found true love and stay committed to each other, you all are my living example. I want to thank my parents that even thru the unending fights and misunderstanding they have never left each other. This was my foundation. I guess this is where my conviction sprouted.

  Love was never a selfish act. 

Love of a Different Kind

Part I: My Dead Heart Beats Again

When I went up to Starbucks Sky Garden that night he was not yet there. I told myself I’ll just go through it and that it will be the last time I’ll be going out with him. When I saw him coming towards me I looked at him and thought that I’m not really attracted. I played nice, walked beside him towards Pizza Hut where we had our dinner. When we got to our table I asked him to sit next to me as I’m concerned about my tank top going low, he’ll be so lucky if I give him a free show. He refused and sat across me.

I paid for the dinner just to shrug off the “intimate” date and let it be a normal friendly date. When we got out of the place he insisted that he treat me to a coffee shop “Sa Seattle’s Best, natry mo na ba dun?” He got one of my weaknesses – coffee! I smiled unknowingly since I couldn’t reject the offer, “Sige.”

We went across Trinoma and found myself inside SBC. “Ano gusto mo?” he asked. “Ikaw na bahala” I replied as I got a table for us.

The first sip was – “heaven”. The best frappuccino I ever had and the desert was a like thousand angels singing as I chewed it slowly in my mouth. I couldn’t have enjoyed myself more than ever and I know that it was so good since I was smiling the whole time.

When we finished with our coffee he invited me to go upstairs for a smoke, a total turn off. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and there I texted Evan saying “the best ka pa din.”

We got a cab when we decided to go home. We both live in 10^th avenue but his house will be the first stop from Trinoma. I joked around saying I’ll fetch him home since I’m much older so that his mom would not worry. He said “Hindi nga? Gusto mo pumunta sa bahay?” then suddenly the joke was on me. He asked again and again while we were nearing his house that I panicked and said “sige na nga.”

When I got out of the cab I was getting very tense as I was going to see his family on our first date! He went inside first, I was standing outside frozen. He went back out to call me to go in. There I saw his brother sitting while watching Megamind. His mom was at the kitchen sink and when she turned around and saw me she was surprised. It was really the first time that Rick brought home a girl to introduce to his family, “Ano na ba ‘tong napasok ko?”

But I was happy by their reaction towards me. His mom even went up to have his dad looked at me. I was appreciated by the whole family – it warmed my heart, a feeling I never expected from them. I was smiling genuinely, even Rick. His brother was even teasing him “pakain ka naman!” When me and Rick were preparing to leave, his mom was asking me to come back again and eat lunch with them the next day.

I couldn’t stop smiling up until we reached my house, opened the door and went to my room where my sister was sitting. “Ano’ng nangyari?” my sister asked. “Wala, Masaya lang ako.”

Part II: The Hardest Decision

I couldn’t sleep that night and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so overwhelmed with what happened that evening. How much I was welcomed by the family, how happy they were upon seeing me. Still smiling my eyes began to tear up. Fear began to fill up my heart. Crying while smiling – smiling while crying? I never imagined that I would feel so much happiness and so much sadness at the same time.

I posted a smiley on Facebook and it got Evan intrigue. He called me and asked me what happened and I told him about my encounter with Rick’s family. I cried the whole day the next day. Thinking of what I will do. I would really like to feel again what I felt the other day when I was with Rick, I want to feel courted. Feel what it was to be a girl for a moment but if I do it will mean I have to break it off with Evan. “Can I survive without Evan?” For a long time that we’ve been partners I can’t imagine how I can live a day without him. It would be like walking with one leg. What if I was wrong about Rick? Then I will lose them both.

Rick was texting me that day saying his mom asking for me to come to their house and have lunch with them. I declined the offer since my eyes was already sore from crying. My mom and sister who never seen me cry about my love life saw me cry that day and I didn’t even care. My mom said “Baket mo iniiyakan? Patay na ba?” She was thinking that Evan left me for another but my sister said “Ma, siya kaya ang may iba. Haha!” They were making me laugh about my situation. Evan was not texting me the whole day that I began to worry. “Hindi ko pala talaga kaya” I called him and said “Bati na tayo, hindi na ko makikipagkita sa kanya.”

I meant it but couldn’t do it. When I saw Rick at the office my heart was saying “What if this is the answer to my prayer? What if he was really the one? What if this was the chance I’m asking God?” When I came home I texted Evan saying it was over.

The next few days I felt so broken hearted. Full of guilt, full of pain, full of sorrow. How could I? How could I be the one to break the promise we had when we were 16? How could I just dump all those years that we went through? All those trials we both trying to overcome came to waste just like that? How can I be so SELFISH???

Food became unappetizing. Getting enough sleep became a struggle. I often wake up so early in the morning and couldn't get myself to sleep some more. I was clinging to Rick’s attention since he’s the only one who could make me smile but I chose not to ask for his help to make me feel better. It was my burden that I intended to carry alone and solve on my own. It wouldn’t be fair for him if I use him as a rebound guy.

One morning when I wake up again before dawn I decided just to browse in the internet just to kill time. My sister was now getting worried and asked me what my problem is? I burst out crying “nadedepress ata ako.”

Before anything bad ever happen to me I decided to go seek for help from God. I asked my manager’s permission if I can take a half day off to go to Quiapo Church. There I prayed for Him to help me take the sadness away. I visited Fr. Frank who I had never seen for a long time. When I finally got the chance to talk to him I let it all out. All the things that’s been on my head that’s making me so depress.

I really felt it, God’s answer to my prayer – His love for someone like me. After that day that I went to church I felt so light and so relieved. As if a heavy burden was taken off my shoulder. God really helped me through it all. He healed me.

Part III: Another Chance

After you experience all the misunderstandings, the heartache, the disappointments, the arguments for a very long time your heart becomes numb. Numb of the feeling of joy, of happiness, of appreciation. I was amazed that Rick made my heart beat again. It’s like he breath life to my dead heart.

I never did mention this to him but there were things he did that reminds me of Evan.

His first invite for a dinner was at Tokyo Tokyo, just like Evan, he also ordered potato balls just like he did. I haven’t even remembered that event until then. Just like Evan, he dearly love his grandfather and a mama’s boy, their knowledge about world war history, his enthusiasm with anime and online / lan games. It made me reflect and realize this: I so longed and prayed to God when I was a teen to make Evan mine, that when He eventually said yes I experienced so many hardships on our relationship but when I prayed to God that I’ll accept whoever man He destined me to be with I met Rick. It’s like God was making me experience the same story but with a better man and a better kind of love.

I thought to myself? Why haven’t I met Rick in the first place then I wouldn’t have been hurt from my relationship with Evan? But then, how could I appreciate Rick if I hadn’t experienced all those things. Will I even look to Rick with the same kind of love if I haven’t yet been with Evan? I doubt it. As I aged, I had seen God’s plan for me materialize. How all of those things He let me experience became the person I am now and how my heartaches made me appreciate the man I am with today.

January 21, 2012

For you my dearest Rick,

I’ve been through sorrow before I met you and it led me to experience love and happiness at its full height. I will be devoted to you as long as you are with me. I will love you to the fullest taking the chance that you might hurt me the deepest. I will look after for your happiness and if ever the time comes that that happiness will not be me then I will give it to you for that is how much I love you. Thank you for loving and taking care of me. I am lucky to have known of this feeling of love that others longed and searched for.

From,

Jeca

The Best Thing You Never Had

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh I will never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now

The Paramount Bridge

I was filled with doubts and worries about my future with Evan. I was in so much loneliness upon learning that he still don’t know how to care for me, to care about my feelings. But I don’t blame him, I blame it to the this damn long distance relationship. I tried to move on and shake off those worry feelings I’m having for it can destroy my remaining affection towards Evan.

To set my mind on something else rather that to feel the loneliness I tried to contact my friends to come go out with me on the weekend. I was scanning facebook when I received a text message from Rick asking what I was doing.

Rick. I wonder why he never asked me if I have a boyfriend. When he was first assigned in our branch last August I thought, “oh well, a new roving teller. He looked 28. Hmmm… pwede na din” then I looked away and never really pay too much notice towards him.

I was holding my cellphone and thought, why not go out with him? Jp’s too attached with me now, maybe I can befriend Rick and make him test subject number 3 (first being Jayson then Jp for Ryan’s replacement). So I played, replying to his text, that I’m trying to find someone to come with me at the mall on Saturday. He asked me to let him come then I teased him saying “wag na baka magpalibre ka pa.” I like to tease him about being three years younger than me.

“Ano? 21 ka pa lang!” was my initial reaction upon learning about his age. First of all, I don’t want to date younger guys than me. I want to be taken care of; I don’t want to be the one to take care of. Second, he never had a girlfriend, if it was me I don’t want to be the first girlfriend anymore. I don’t want to teach someone how to be a boyfriend.

Eventually I told Evan I will go out on Saturday with Rick. He asked me why off all people I would go out with a guy who had a crush on me. I just said, “Siya na lang kaysa naman kay Jp.” He said ‘ok’ and asked me again what he looks like and again I just said “Di ko type”.

My mind was fighting against my feelings. Whenever he comes to the office my heart skips a beat and I was feeling very tense and smiling unwillingly. My officemates teases me every time because when we share a glance with each other our faces lights up with a big smile on our faces. I just took it and said to myself “wala lang yun.” I was lying to myself.

Saturday came, I was at work in the morning. I was becoming more and more nervous as time comes ticking. I texted him that I’m on my way to the mall when I got up on the bus. Evan said to me I got only an hour with him, I said not to worry I’m not falling for him. My heart was pounding and pounding up until I reached my stop – the paramount bridge. I received a text from him that he was already there at starbucks waiting for me. I was just about to climb the stairs. Halfway across the bridge I got a text from Evan saying he was feeling uneasy about me meeting up with this guy. I continued to walk and walk until when I’m about to finish crossing the end of the bridge my mind said

“Wag ko na lang kaya ituloy ito. Just turned around and text Rick that your sorry you can’t make it.”

I was standing there for about 2 minutes with a worried expression on my face. Somehow I was feeling that once I completely crossed that bridge my relationship with Evan will distort. I was afraid on what will happen with me and Evan.

A moment of silence began, like a dead heartbeat on a hospital's ER. Not really thinking about what I will do next, I began to take a step – and climb the stairs towards sky garden.

And there I meet up with Rick.

THE LAST OF THAT LOVE…

I said goodbye. I was the one who let go and left.

I was quite surprised when he asked me to go inside San Sebastian Church. I was quite happy to be with him and pray beside him that day. I knelt down and pray to God that day saying “He is the one I will spend the rest of my life with. God, he is the one I love.” The rest I was telling Him how happy I was that I have found him and that we finally been a couple after almost three years of struggling and waiting. And even though we were having a rough time being in different universities now I said to God it’s ok, because I have him, nothing else matters.

I was happy that day.

The next morning a got a call from Aileen, asking me for an advice, “If you knew that the boyfriend of your friend was having an affair would you tell her?” I said to her “yes.” Then begin the worst days of my life. She told me everything about it and little by little it started to make sense. About how he would leave me at his home saying he’ll go to school and come back later. On how he said he went to the movies with his friends. On how he was on the internet café all night playing. My chest started to hurt and was so overwhelmed with pain I can’t even stop crying.

I went to school that day so heartbroken. Crying, crying and crying. But even through that endless pain I still said to my friends, “No, I will never break up with him.”

It was ironic how one night you were just talking to God how wonderful your life is now that you have him then the next morning you find out he was lying to you to be with someone else. I looked at myself and thought that maybe I gotten so fat he doesn’t like my physical appearance anymore. And for a long time I hated myself. I even blame myself for being too possessive that he had gotten an affair.

We’ve gotten through it. He said to me I was the one he had chosen. I tried to forget that it ever happened but I never did. And all the time that I brought it up in our fights he came saying “that was a long time ago, why do you keep bringing that up?” and again I felt so bad for always looking back at the past but the one thing he may never understand is that that affair made a big hole here in my heart that might never heal. The affair had ended a really long time ago but the pain still lives in me. That was how bad it was and nobody understands it.

Then after two years he went to live away from the metro. We had a long distance relationship. It was so hard to cope up with that. For the first few years of that long distance affair I was crying all the time seeing him off the bus. It just breaks my heart every time I see him off. When I get the chance to spend time with him he would always looked at his watch, keeping time on his travel back to Lipa. Kept thinking to myself if he even wanted to spend time with me as how much I wanted to be with him.

I was that young and naïve girl who was so in love. At a time I learned to pick up myself. I was gaining confidence and started rebuilding my self esteem. For a moment I trained myself to be independent from him and took things on my own. I had grown. I started to hold myself together and that crying naïve young girl was starting to disappear within me.

We had a good run, was able to be happy with what I have got with him. We were genuinely happy. It was not all sorrow and pains. But while I was maturing he had started to stop living. It was almost as if we were running this track that when I look for him he was so far behind me that I have to go back and wait for him to start running. So we walked, I walked beside him just to stay together. But the goal line was so inviting that I really wanted to go there faster but I can’t run without him. I was caught in this feeling.

We had a promise, ten years and we will get married. It will be the two of us on that altar. He might have been complacent that I will never really leave him. Many said I should, but I can’t do it. I can’t because I can’t even see myself on my own and not have him by my side. It will be like walking on one foot.

The years had been tough. I had broken up with him several times and just find myself asking for us to be together again.

There was this one time that I attended a wedding. When the priest gives his homily he said, “when a man wants to be with a woman he loves he should ask God for His permission, thus in this wedding it is for the groom to ask permission from the Lord to have her as his wife, on the other hand, a woman can’t ask God for a man to be his husband, a woman only prays to God that He may give her a good man to be his husband. She may make wishes or pray for a guy who would be loyal to her, who will be a good provider or someone who will not harm her physically.”

Then it hit me, was I just so insisting on making this relationship happened that God said “ok”? When I’ve broken it with him last 2009 I was so devastated that I prayed to Him to just set me free from this pain and that he may find a more suitable girl that could make him happy. That he could truly love enough that he could mountains. “If it really was not him for me then now I am willing to accept the man you wanted for me God”

Then it was a year later, I met Rick.

I was talking to my buddy saying “Nararamdaman ko Buddy may makikilala ako and I think siya na yun.”

After my vacation at Iloilo one of my officers approached me and told me that our new roving teller likes me. I just took it as a compliment and never really give it a meaning. At that time I was still with Evan. We recently had a fight that time saying to me that he really can’t make plans for our relationship because he doesn’t have the money to take me out on a date. He was asking me if I can wait for two more years. I accepted it. Thinking that two years will just pass by quickly, I just have to set my pride aside and be the one to provide if ever I wanted to spend time with him.

Evan was a really nice guys, he would be a good father and a good husband. I know he will not hit me physically like my father used to do with my mother. He was too much to let go of.

He was also a rational person, when I learned about Rick I even told it to him. He asked “gwapo ba?” that time I just said “Di ko type.”

But when Ma’am Brenda became my superior for a month my feelings changed. Ma’am Brenda was constantly teasing us that I began to be tense every time he visits our branch. There was a big smile in my face whenever I saw him coming and I just don’t know why I was feeling happy. I even like the scent of his perfume and every time I scented his perfume I know he was already there inside our branch.

But I felt myself still committed with Evan. When he asked me if I want to watch a movie with him last December I said I was spending time with my family. It was Christmas and I was heartbroken with Evan. To get my sadness out of my head I called for Jp that evening and we had a stroll on his motorcycle. Motorcycle rides gave me this rush that I eventually forget everything else and Jp had been a perfect gentleman with me. The feeling I get from him for keeping me safe while I sat behind him supplied me with what I lack from Evan, to be taken care of. I feel quite pathetic that I have to feel it from another.

I was so confused as the year was ending. With Evan, Jp and Rick but I decided to hold on with Evan so I agreed to go to Evan’s house for the new year. It wouldn’t be right to keep on hanging out with Jp knowing that he’s starting to have feelings with me. I can never return the same emotion with him although I value our friendship. I don’t want to use him and hurt him. With Rick I’m think its just an infatuation, a simple crush nothing more – nothing less.

So I went there at Lipa to make things right. Decided I should let Jp and Rick know I’m still choosing Evan. My vacation there would be the chance to rekindle our flickering light of love and make it burn again, make the feelings come again in my heart. I’m bearing too much sadness that I’m trying to find that feeling that I had a long time ago – my great love for him. I’m worried that I don’t know anymore how it feels, to feel love. I was starting to think if I still love him or I just don’t want to be apart from him. Why am I staying in this relationship? Is it really love or is it because I’m just used to be with him.

When I was just leaving their home that Sunday noon we had a fight. I was so angry with him for being so insensitive with me. For not even thinking I was about to go home in a bus ride for two hours, how could he make me eat a big plate of spaghetti? When we were walking towards the village entrance he was saying sorry. I was just crying so hard. Does he really know me? Is he really that insensitive? If this is the man that I’m about to spend the rest of my life with will I be this miserable? Will I always beg for his affection? Will I always tell him what I want from him just to feel he appreciates me too? Will I always be angry with him and feel so bad afterwards for not understanding his situation?

The first days of year 2011 had me thinking all about my future with Evan. The vacation I thought would clear up and strengthen my feelings for him had been the complete opposite as doubts clouded my mind. For so many years now that we have known each other we never really understood one another, we never had the chance to spend a long time together. When people ask how long is our relationship I say “almost eight years?” but if they asked me how long we’ve been a couple I can say – “about a year and a half?”

Last January 3, 2011 we had a conversation, apparently he was scolded by his father for leaving the house. I had to set aside my animosity and worries towards him and support him first. The latter feelings I will deal on my own.

Coping Without Ryan

The day I was so scared of finally happened, Ryan met Sophie. It was the signal that I have to let go of my best friend. It was so damn hard. He was always by my side for so many years. He was always so caring and reliable. It felt like my brother died. It is still so heartbreaking.

I kept my distance and tried myself so hard not to call on him anymore whenever I want to go out. I missed him terribly whenever I am faced with problems because he can easily take away my worries by his gags and candid comments.

And he did turn out to be a very different person. The last time our group met he was so quiet and always tending to his phone. He was not that cheerful person anymore that the group once knew.

The first few months that he and Sophie started to go out I went out of the group to find him a replacement. I took it as an opportunity to meet new people or to rekindle some of my past friends. Maybe it’s just me but I want all of my chess pieces to be complete and when my knight Ryan went out I just needed to find his understudy.

I think that these are the reasons that I longed for a male company, one was because of my daddy issues (I never did became close to my father), two was that I never really got a chance to spend time with my brother (I was closer to him than my sister when we were little) and three was that I had this long distance relationship with Evan.

First I renewed my friendship with Jayson. He was my buddy in our high school CAT days. He was always so straight forward and very tactful and that was the traits I like most about him. Introducing him to my family was so easily since he was welcomed immediately. We had our similarities and can talk at the same level. And like Ryan, he was there whenever I call on him.

He met his girlfriend Michelle and I thought its ok. I can cross out the part of “no possibility of him falling in love” part on my list.

Then I met Jp. We were batch mate but we never really got a chance to talk during our high school days. I stayed away from him during high school since he seems to be a practical joker. After six years of graduating we sat down together on an alumni meeting at school. He offered me a ride home with his motorcycle and that started it all.

Riding a motorcycle on the streets of the metro was a big thrill to me (as I was a thrill seeker) and there was something about riding behind him – I felt that I was taken care of. As dangerous as it is to ride a motorbike he always thinks about my safety and that he can send me home without any scratch and it touched me deeply.

We just click right there and then. And I was undoubtedly happy.

I thought to myself that I can finally let go of Ryan but then it happen, he started to feel something for me.

As much as it would be hard for the both of us, I have to let him go for a while to let his feeling suffice. They may say that I am already hurting him by avoiding him but I would rather hurt him that way rather than to make him feel that every time we will be together I can never return the same affection towards him.

I believe that I fully know myself in my affections with other people. At first sight I already sort them to “friend” or “lover”. Ryan, Jayson and Jp were among those people in the friend list and I know for a fact that I will never be intimate with. I do, I love them – as I loved my brother.

Dido

I find it hard to say I love you,
Not unlike before that I can constantly repeat it.
Pain already took a toll on me and I think I'm being cynical 'bout love.
Unless you make me overwhelmed with that feeling again,
All I can reply to you now is "dido"

Buffy
10292010