The Saga Begins

"I feel that I’m in the right path… risking it all to chase that dream.”

The start of this year had been very hard. I come home depressed and very angry. This negativity started to fill me and it made me afraid. Afraid because this is not me. I was not this enraged person. So on the eve on Jan 22, I told my boss: “I’m resigning…”

I was able to take it at first. The pressure… the stress… and everything that comes in the work environment. But what I did not take easily was the trauma. Especially when the trauma at work and at home come attacking me at the same time. I was not able to stand it. I was already breaking down. I felt like i had nowhere to go to. Like I can’t escape. It felt so damn heavy. I hated the world. Kept thinking why do people have to make other suffer.

I was at that breaking point. Can’t seem to understand His plan for me. On why He kept placing me on a situation where I constantly have to be scared. At first I thought, maybe the reason He gave me a father like him was to prepare me for the worst. And then I asked myself, “is this where I really belong? Then why am I not happy?”
“Di ka pa ba sanay?” I refuse to learn to get used to the trauma. Ayaw kong masanay coz I do deserve to be happy. Bakit ako magtitiis? Why do I have to do this cycle all over again? No. I refuse. I don’t want to.

And so what I call a drastic decision to resign came.

Yes I was able to do it, and what came after that was the answer to my questions.

Now I was enlightened. I figured it all out.

This is what happened. If I had a boss who treats me well my job would have been the perfect one. A good pay, a good boss, a great company and a very happy work environment. I will not mind being an executive assistant all my life! But no, he didn’t gave it to me yet. Now I see that His really pushing me to take harder road if I really wanted to succeed in my life. His pushing me to take the board exam.

And so I accepted His challenge. I’ll do it. I’ll take the long and winding road if this is really what He had planned me to be. I will risks it all. I’m afraid. But I’ll do it.

(January 31, 2009)

April 13, 2005 Wednesday

Last night, I talked to God.
I asked Him if He was listening to my pleas
And when will He answer my prayers
Because I told God
“I am tired. I am so lonely God.”
With tears flowing down my face
I cried to Him.
“You are the only One
Who knew how much life had been cruel to me.
How much pain I had received
How much tears I had cried
The cruel experiences
I had received from a father that You gave to me…
God, You knew that You
Are the One that I call on to
When my life turns helpless.
You are the only Father
I have known and love.
You knew how much
I wanted to go to where You are
So that You can protect me
From all those people who hurt me.
And You knew that,
When we finally met one day,
I would be crying in front of You,
And would asked, if me,
An unworthy child,
Could hug You…
My Father, dear Lord,
Take me home…”


But then,
My prayers have not been answered.
But people say to wait
Be patient…
I don’t know if You wanted me
To reconcile with the father You gave to me
Or if You can’t hear my pleas
And maybe, You wouldn’t help me at all
Because, I don’t deserve to be helped out.
I am a rebellious child of yours
And it hurts me
Because I would have never been like this if…
God, You knew I wasn’t a bad child, aren’t I?
I am a good kid.
I am a good kid God.
I never wanted to be bad.

But then I realized
That I had been praying to You
Since I was a child.
I was praying to make good
The father that You had given me.
But You didn’t answer,
He punched me in the face.
I was asking to make the father You had given me
To be like the other good fathers
But You didn’t answer,
He had thrown a mug at my head
Wounded my hand, and dripped blood from my veins.
And then I was crying to You…
God, helped my mother, take her away from the father
You had given me
But You didn’t answer
He beats my mother while I ache in pain for her
And it was the most painful of all.


God, when will You tell Him to stop?
When will I deserve a happy family life?
I am crying to You, my dear God…
Why haven’t You given me a good-natured father?
Haven’t I deserved one”
Why such cruel fate?
Why such tortured life?
Painful memories to keep…


God,
I am hopeless…
I miss the people I loved
I miss my cats
And that one special pet…
I missed him terribly God…
Can I ever hug him again?
The pain that I stuck inside of me
Would burst out everytime I think of him.
You know how much I cared for him
How much he mean for me.
God…
Are you there?


Then You appeared to me God.
In my dream,
A form of an angel.
I cried at His sight
He was shinning brightly
I can’t see Him clearly.
Then He told me
That He was sent in Jesus name.
He had resurrected me
And then I had thought,
Have I died?
In my dreams it told me,
Someone killed me
Thrown me into a pit
But the angel lifted my soul.
I was delighted.
I search for my mother then,
To save her from her husband


I woke up, still confused.
I asked God if He was there,
And in my dream
The angel prove to me that
God, You are there,
You are listening to me!=)
The death of my life in my dream,
Might mean that someday,
I would die together with my wrong doing, my sins
And live again as a Christian.


I would lie to You if I told You I had forgiven him…
God, I don’t want to live with him anymore…
But I don’t know if I can take
To be parted from those I loved…
You are the only Father I knew
God, can You share to me…
Even a little of Your love.
Guide me God, support me.
Show me the way…

Lead my life God
Because I am confused.
I will be strong, I promise.
Please don’t leave me.
Guide me to Your home.
I love You, Jesus