A Lost Kitten

I woke at 3am this morning when my sister shook me by the waist just to tell me to shut the electric fan off. I got on my feet, switch it off and open the door to let my cat go out who was also awaken and started to cry around at my feet. It’s a good thing she woke me up. I hadn’t finish reviewing my notes for my morning exam. It was the day of my retake exam for my regularization at the bank.

I went down to the sala and took all of my things with me. My two other cats where there sleeping at the top of the table while one was on the sofa. I open the widows to let the cold breeze enter. I believe that opening windows will let the blessings of the morning come in or simply saying: “letting sunshine in”.

Well, I sat there not really absorbing anything since my mind is still half asleep. So I went out with my dog Ginger to get some bread from 7/11, toast it with peanut butter and had my morning coffee – as per usual. One sip of my coffee got me focus on my reading but then just by a click, everything shut down. There was a brownout. “Ugh! Again.”

I’m not yet ready for the exam, I still needed to clarify some things so I went up to get those candles I placed on my bedside. While I was walking down from our stairs my right foot missed a step and it went all the way until I was able to stop myself from completely falling! My left foot was still placed on the top step and I can’t barely feel my breathing since my heart was pounding out of my chest. I glanced at Ginger who was looking at me worriedly and I felt she knew I had a bad fall.

“Well nothings broken” I said to myself while I was checking on my legs. I tried to sit down again and read my notes as if nothing happened. When the lights went on again I tried to take down notes but to my dismay my hands where shaking, I couldn’t hold the pen properly.

Wow, it was like bad forces were trying to keep me from making it to my exam. Then I thought about the time, “was it past 3am already? It’s not Emily Rose time anymore”.

I went out of the house past 7:30. I knew I was gonna be late since my exam will start at 8:30 in the morning. When I checked my phone there was a text message from Evan,

“Good morning , good luck po sa exams mo. Nilalagnat Evan. Zzzz”

“Kaya pala hindi siya nagtetext” I thought to myself as I was heading towards the LRT station. There was a lot of people in the station even though it was a Saturday and the trip from Monumento Station to Gil Puyat Station had been so slow and so long. I always thought it was a quick trip back when I was used to ride the train.

It was almost 9am when I had my sit at the examination room. I was still picking up my breathing since I practically run my way thru the elevator up to the exam room. Other girls were already answering there test papers while I was thinking again how much is the cost of the checkbooks since I block out, I can’t freaking remember it.

“120.61 personal, 231.69 commercial. Aah! Sana ang tanong checkbook requisition na lang."

When our proctor finally handed me my test paper I flowed out everything I knew and wrote it on the paper. There were items that I’m not really confident that I answered correctly because I didn’t quite understand what the question was referring to but by the end of it I think I did better on this one than the last.

I waved goodbye to Val and Gela, my batchmates, as I headed towards my bus stop. The bus smelled really awful that I tried my hardest not to puke. I really felt dizzy and my stomach was really growling since I had my bread at 6am and hadn’t eaten anything yet at 11am. When I was at the LRT train, I was literally pushing my body against the train doors (the other side, which is closed) just to hold on until I reached the end of the station. My left leg was starting to hurt but I couldn’t let myself down. I had to summon all that will power to make it home safe since there will nobody to rescue me if anything happen. There is no one to depend on anymore.

Ryan, the person who was always on my assist, is with Sophie now. Noemi and Kevin is having their puppy love moments and hanging out with them would only make my feelings worst. Sonny is tending with his sick grandma. I think everybody else has there places, all else but me.

I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I used to though I would get married with him. When I broke up with him and he said he still needs to fix himself up alone I just broke. Now I feel like I’m heading nowhere with no goals, no dreams about what will happen in the future. What I had is just the present moments.

Maybe if I get my body in shape again no man will ever let me go. But I don’t want to be a medium of lust to many men. I don’t want to feel mistreated anymore. Its hard being a woman in this kind of society.

The closest future dream I have now is on March 17, 2010 when the result of the examination is revealed. Its gonna be four days from now, four days of praying that I pass the exam and after that – I’m back at square one. I don’t know what to do with my life.