Rage

I’m in conflict, I have a problem guys. I was always a crybaby and I just discovered that from the last incident that I posted in my blog. I never realized I could cry that easily in public. Well I guess I’ve been crying my whole life, I’m always that vulnerable and sensitive.

I’m the youngest in our family. When I was little and my brother and sister were going to school already, I remember my parents leaving me with my Lola and my uncle. I remember crying while seeing them off. My Lola was nice to me but my Uncle who lives with her was strict. One day I tasted my Lola’s medicine and found it to taste fruity so I ate it all. Upon my Uncle’s discovery he got really mad and began to hit me with his slippers. My Lola told him to stop and covered me with her back. I love her so much and I miss her. I miss someone who would protect me like that. Not even my mother would do that to protect me from my father. Unfortunately she didn’t live that long. She was the only grandmother that I’ve known.

When my brother reached high school he came to lived with our Aunt’s house . I was always so close to him back then. He was the second one who protected me, protected me from my sister whenever we quarreled. He was always there for me when my sister makes me cry. My brother became independent after that and he never really stayed home for long period of time. Now he’s married I never got that chance to spend some time with him again . He’s too far apart.

Maybe because I was the youngest that I always longed for someone to be there as my shield but I learned everything the hard way, there’s not always somebody who could protect me. Not everyone cares if I cry so made myself strong.

When I was a kid my father would beat me. I was so afraid of him specially when he came home drunk. I already experienced being punched in the face, being kicked. I was only in grade school. The first time that I retaliated back was when I was in my third year in high school. It was also the first time that I ran away from home and came to live with my cousins.

I believe that it started from that point that I began to harness this anger. From being scared and traumatized I hardened myself up. Whenever my father went home screaming drunk, my heart would pound so hard until I learned that if I suppress my fear and turn this into rage I would not be afraid anymore and be braver.

And it did help me; I was able to go on with my life. Though I was rebellious I did not take the path of drugs nor alcohol. I was able to carry myself up until I graduated, get employed and have a normal life but what I did not see coming from that day was what’s happening to me now. I’m always so angry.

I’m a sensitive person, and when a person says something that I don’t like I get hurt so easily and that instant I’m already angry with her/him. Lately I’ve been like living like that. I can’t smile in the morning and I’m always frowning. I’m always carrying this big rock in my shoulder and to top it all, my love life is a mess.

I’m in trial. They’re letting me have it all, this whole crazy emotion. There was a point when I said to myself maybe if I also turned this loneliness to anger maybe I could get rid of my feelings with him so easily. I’ll start hating them all and to despise him specially. And its not that hard, I’ve done it before to protect myself. before. If I hardened myself it would be the easiest way that I could move on.

But I had this dream. I believe our dream is one way on how God can talk to us just like in the stories written in the Bible. I woke up sweating that morning. I had a terrible nightmare and I knew what is it telling me about. If I continue to harness this anger I’ll be a monster and I don’t want to be a monster.

Now I’m fighting to regain my lost identity behind all this mask of rage where I was able to smile and to laugh again and be at peace with myself. Its just hard when there’s always somebody there to hurt you and let you down all the time.

A Lost Kitten

I woke at 3am this morning when my sister shook me by the waist just to tell me to shut the electric fan off. I got on my feet, switch it off and open the door to let my cat go out who was also awaken and started to cry around at my feet. It’s a good thing she woke me up. I hadn’t finish reviewing my notes for my morning exam. It was the day of my retake exam for my regularization at the bank.

I went down to the sala and took all of my things with me. My two other cats where there sleeping at the top of the table while one was on the sofa. I open the widows to let the cold breeze enter. I believe that opening windows will let the blessings of the morning come in or simply saying: “letting sunshine in”.

Well, I sat there not really absorbing anything since my mind is still half asleep. So I went out with my dog Ginger to get some bread from 7/11, toast it with peanut butter and had my morning coffee – as per usual. One sip of my coffee got me focus on my reading but then just by a click, everything shut down. There was a brownout. “Ugh! Again.”

I’m not yet ready for the exam, I still needed to clarify some things so I went up to get those candles I placed on my bedside. While I was walking down from our stairs my right foot missed a step and it went all the way until I was able to stop myself from completely falling! My left foot was still placed on the top step and I can’t barely feel my breathing since my heart was pounding out of my chest. I glanced at Ginger who was looking at me worriedly and I felt she knew I had a bad fall.

“Well nothings broken” I said to myself while I was checking on my legs. I tried to sit down again and read my notes as if nothing happened. When the lights went on again I tried to take down notes but to my dismay my hands where shaking, I couldn’t hold the pen properly.

Wow, it was like bad forces were trying to keep me from making it to my exam. Then I thought about the time, “was it past 3am already? It’s not Emily Rose time anymore”.

I went out of the house past 7:30. I knew I was gonna be late since my exam will start at 8:30 in the morning. When I checked my phone there was a text message from Evan,

“Good morning , good luck po sa exams mo. Nilalagnat Evan. Zzzz”

“Kaya pala hindi siya nagtetext” I thought to myself as I was heading towards the LRT station. There was a lot of people in the station even though it was a Saturday and the trip from Monumento Station to Gil Puyat Station had been so slow and so long. I always thought it was a quick trip back when I was used to ride the train.

It was almost 9am when I had my sit at the examination room. I was still picking up my breathing since I practically run my way thru the elevator up to the exam room. Other girls were already answering there test papers while I was thinking again how much is the cost of the checkbooks since I block out, I can’t freaking remember it.

“120.61 personal, 231.69 commercial. Aah! Sana ang tanong checkbook requisition na lang."

When our proctor finally handed me my test paper I flowed out everything I knew and wrote it on the paper. There were items that I’m not really confident that I answered correctly because I didn’t quite understand what the question was referring to but by the end of it I think I did better on this one than the last.

I waved goodbye to Val and Gela, my batchmates, as I headed towards my bus stop. The bus smelled really awful that I tried my hardest not to puke. I really felt dizzy and my stomach was really growling since I had my bread at 6am and hadn’t eaten anything yet at 11am. When I was at the LRT train, I was literally pushing my body against the train doors (the other side, which is closed) just to hold on until I reached the end of the station. My left leg was starting to hurt but I couldn’t let myself down. I had to summon all that will power to make it home safe since there will nobody to rescue me if anything happen. There is no one to depend on anymore.

Ryan, the person who was always on my assist, is with Sophie now. Noemi and Kevin is having their puppy love moments and hanging out with them would only make my feelings worst. Sonny is tending with his sick grandma. I think everybody else has there places, all else but me.

I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I used to though I would get married with him. When I broke up with him and he said he still needs to fix himself up alone I just broke. Now I feel like I’m heading nowhere with no goals, no dreams about what will happen in the future. What I had is just the present moments.

Maybe if I get my body in shape again no man will ever let me go. But I don’t want to be a medium of lust to many men. I don’t want to feel mistreated anymore. Its hard being a woman in this kind of society.

The closest future dream I have now is on March 17, 2010 when the result of the examination is revealed. Its gonna be four days from now, four days of praying that I pass the exam and after that – I’m back at square one. I don’t know what to do with my life.

Beaten by the Ox

The Year that almost made me suicidal.

Maybe it was really not my year since I was born in the year of tiger. I had a really rough year last 2009. By January I was already crying from being constantly scolded at the office because of those stupid Christmas thank you cards that I’m sending in behalf of my ex-boss. I struggled to hold on to my job as much as I could since everybody around me was saying I’ll be so stupid if I let go of that job. Well, monetarily speaking it may be true but I couldn’t take the constant trauma and my growing depression that kept on building inside of me everyday that I go to that office. Up to the point when I had reached my limit, when I felt that I have to save myself and what li’l self respect was left of me from that office- I decided to quit.

Many said that I was really too young to have decided to resign that easily. That I was idiotic, but on those days that followed I was able to breathe again so easily and walk on my two feet smoothly and I was able to smile again.

I was able to make my mother understand how I really feel about my work there and also, I was able to make peace with my previous boss. I thought that I’m already closing a chapter in my life and that I’ll be able to start anew by reviewing for the CPA board exam, but I was wrong. Just like an earthquake, the aftershock came and almost did kill me.

To my astonishment, I had an outstanding liability to the bank which represented a one month salary that I was not entitled to receive because I had stop working already. It amounted to a terrifying P16,900 of which I don’t know how I could afford to pay. I was jobless.

So I tried to look for a job and found my way in the headquarter office of one of the top 10 banks in the Philippines. I passed the exams and the interview. Even the assistant vice president like me and wanted to hire me asap. But when I had my medical examination taken, the doctor noticed a small cyst in my left breast.

I was in total despair. I was impotently lying in my back, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the worst things that could happen- dying of breast cancer. Is my life really just until here? God are you calling me already? How can I survive something like this? So much burden to bare and there was nothing I could even do but to cry my heart out while confined on my enclosed room.

Up until now I don’t know what happened but I believe God made me a miracle and in my heart I knew that He did and that He was listening to me. I got a text message from the company that I applied to and they said that I got the job already due to start on October first. I never went to find out about my medical result that the doctor passed to the company clinic. On the other hand, I had my cyst check with another doctor. After he examined me, he said that from the way it was located and the size and depth of the cyst, it was benign (though he said that I’m still up for observation for 3 months just to make sure that the cyst is not getting bigger).

I was able to get the job setting aside the review for the board exams on which I know I couldn’t pass yet. I know here in my new job, I’m in a much better place on which I could enhance myself and learn more about the banking industry. But now I’m again standing at the brink of losing this job.

Last January 9, 2010 I just took my validation exam and I failed miserably. I was overconfident and too proud of myself. If God is teaching me a lesson, it is to be humble and He made me humble again. I really need to study now and understand the whole branch operation or else I’ll be terminated.

On February, my career may either start or end. Please pray for me.

The JECALAW

LOVE

1
One should not think of stealing another girl's boyfriend
more even so if they are already married.

2
If there is no one to cuddle get a pet!

3
Don't give a person a reason to believe you love him if you don't
(Adapted from Bob Ong)

4
"Commitment" is synonymous to "Effort"

5
Yes, it is right that you don't need to change completely
for him or her to love you more, the real thing is you have
to figure out how to adjust to each others needs and expectations.

6
The reason that you fight is because you're adjusting to each other
and yes, its just NORMAL

FRIENDSHIP

1
Save the friendship that's worth keeping
Loose the boyfriend if its not working.

2
A bestfriend and a boyfriend is so much the same
as you are entering a commitment less of the intimacy.

3
What comes first before being tactful?
It's EMPATHY.

LIFE

1
When you are left to deal with the pain alone,
you become stronger.

2
Yes it would be nice if people will support you in your time of need,
but supporting yourself first would be better.

3
Think of life NOT as this ladder type program:
Birth-School-Work-Marriage-Raising Children-Retiring-then Dying
Live for today because tomorrow may not come.

4
Live without any regrets.

5
It's better to not have children if you can't even
take good care of your own life.

6
Don't act like a loser, there's always a way.

7
Not everyone thinks and acts like you do
so keep an open mind when dealing with irritating people.

8
If you are stuck up in living in this very materialistic world
look up in the sky and think about this,
God exists.
Life is not really all about making money.

Transition Period

September 6, 2009, a very rainy Sunday afternoon, I was walking home after my overnight stay at my bestfriend's house, Maui. I left at Maui's house in a very gloomy mood. It turned out that my friend Dona and Prince, a couple back in my college days who clearly love each other, ended up breaking apart because for some circumstances that they end up hurting one another. I was thinking to myself, how could things turn out to be like this? Is it because they're loving too much? Is it really like that? And then it got me thinking about my own situation.

Apparently me and Evan was in this petty quarrel on which I had started. I was just bummed. There was this one night where I phoned Evan and was talking all the things that happened to me, blah blah blah. When I ran out of things to say I asked him if he has any story he can tell me and he said none since he was only at home doing the usual stuff. There at that very moment, it just happened again, we shared this awkward silence.

Well guys, you see when you are in a long distance relationship all you can do share is talk-talk-talk and let me tell you how much of a great effort you must put into if you want your relationship to really work. I believe that I gave this relationship the best of what I can do. I really pushed myself to make things easier for him, making the unattainable, attainable. Although I know that he is really not that kind of person who talks a lot and tells a very detailed story of one's boring life just like what I was doing with him. But my point here is, atleast I'm trying to share my life with him but I don't get the same reciprocal effect. I was having too much disappointment over him. I didn't know that I'll come to this point in my life where my heart got tired of keeping this relationship.

So with my friend's ending relationship, my very much troubled love life and most of all ,with a rainy atmosphere, I thought to myself "What could have been in store for me?". Then suddenly the emo part of me came out and took over.

"I don't know yet the purpose of my life" I said to myself. (Jeez, very much emo! Haha!)

Is it to become a women's right activist? To spread awareness to people that every day a woman gets abused physically, mentally and sexually? To help abused women rise up from their suffering and live? To be an instrument of woman empowerment?

I talked to God saying "If I will choose that path, the devils that I longed wanted to forget will reappear before me again.".

"Is it really to become a CPA?" I also thought, "because I just gave up on my review for the board exam".

"Will I have kids? Because somehow I sense that I will not have any. I feel like I will live till my 40's."

"Do I still love him?"

All those thoughts were running through my head as I walk crying, on a rainy Sunday afternoon, then wiping my tears away as I approach our front door.

"Mommy, I'm home."

The Saga Begins

"I feel that I’m in the right path… risking it all to chase that dream.”

The start of this year had been very hard. I come home depressed and very angry. This negativity started to fill me and it made me afraid. Afraid because this is not me. I was not this enraged person. So on the eve on Jan 22, I told my boss: “I’m resigning…”

I was able to take it at first. The pressure… the stress… and everything that comes in the work environment. But what I did not take easily was the trauma. Especially when the trauma at work and at home come attacking me at the same time. I was not able to stand it. I was already breaking down. I felt like i had nowhere to go to. Like I can’t escape. It felt so damn heavy. I hated the world. Kept thinking why do people have to make other suffer.

I was at that breaking point. Can’t seem to understand His plan for me. On why He kept placing me on a situation where I constantly have to be scared. At first I thought, maybe the reason He gave me a father like him was to prepare me for the worst. And then I asked myself, “is this where I really belong? Then why am I not happy?”
“Di ka pa ba sanay?” I refuse to learn to get used to the trauma. Ayaw kong masanay coz I do deserve to be happy. Bakit ako magtitiis? Why do I have to do this cycle all over again? No. I refuse. I don’t want to.

And so what I call a drastic decision to resign came.

Yes I was able to do it, and what came after that was the answer to my questions.

Now I was enlightened. I figured it all out.

This is what happened. If I had a boss who treats me well my job would have been the perfect one. A good pay, a good boss, a great company and a very happy work environment. I will not mind being an executive assistant all my life! But no, he didn’t gave it to me yet. Now I see that His really pushing me to take harder road if I really wanted to succeed in my life. His pushing me to take the board exam.

And so I accepted His challenge. I’ll do it. I’ll take the long and winding road if this is really what He had planned me to be. I will risks it all. I’m afraid. But I’ll do it.

(January 31, 2009)

For Liberty

God I got it, this is not for me…

I got hurt being in my dream.
This is what I got for surpassing
What was really planned for me.
I thought this was the answer,
But I was wrong.
I failed miserably.
And the end result was
A completely shattered identity.

I quit!
No, I am not weak.
Who are you to tell me that I am not that strong?
Just because of these puffy, teary eyes?
You are judging me wrongly!

I quit!
I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
I am too sick of living this hell again.
Sick of the yelling! Sick of how you treated me so lowly.
And I am tired of you always pulling my self esteem down.

I quit!
And YES, I am strong!
Strong enough to throw away this dream.
To dust of every hopes of being successful
To totally erase those plans I have for my future.

Yet again,
I have to protect myself from a person
Whom amongst of the many who wants to torture me,
In living in trauma.
I’ll free myself from this.
I’ll save that little dignity you left for me.
This is not for me.
This is too low to even fight for.
I am not what you think I am
And I’ll never be loyal to you
Just because of the benefits, of the money.
I am not a paid slave.
And I’ll never be that.
I resign.

(November 25th, 2007 )

April 13, 2005 Wednesday

Last night, I talked to God.
I asked Him if He was listening to my pleas
And when will He answer my prayers
Because I told God
“I am tired. I am so lonely God.”
With tears flowing down my face
I cried to Him.
“You are the only One
Who knew how much life had been cruel to me.
How much pain I had received
How much tears I had cried
The cruel experiences
I had received from a father that You gave to me…
God, You knew that You
Are the One that I call on to
When my life turns helpless.
You are the only Father
I have known and love.
You knew how much
I wanted to go to where You are
So that You can protect me
From all those people who hurt me.
And You knew that,
When we finally met one day,
I would be crying in front of You,
And would asked, if me,
An unworthy child,
Could hug You…
My Father, dear Lord,
Take me home…”


But then,
My prayers have not been answered.
But people say to wait
Be patient…
I don’t know if You wanted me
To reconcile with the father You gave to me
Or if You can’t hear my pleas
And maybe, You wouldn’t help me at all
Because, I don’t deserve to be helped out.
I am a rebellious child of yours
And it hurts me
Because I would have never been like this if…
God, You knew I wasn’t a bad child, aren’t I?
I am a good kid.
I am a good kid God.
I never wanted to be bad.

But then I realized
That I had been praying to You
Since I was a child.
I was praying to make good
The father that You had given me.
But You didn’t answer,
He punched me in the face.
I was asking to make the father You had given me
To be like the other good fathers
But You didn’t answer,
He had thrown a mug at my head
Wounded my hand, and dripped blood from my veins.
And then I was crying to You…
God, helped my mother, take her away from the father
You had given me
But You didn’t answer
He beats my mother while I ache in pain for her
And it was the most painful of all.


God, when will You tell Him to stop?
When will I deserve a happy family life?
I am crying to You, my dear God…
Why haven’t You given me a good-natured father?
Haven’t I deserved one”
Why such cruel fate?
Why such tortured life?
Painful memories to keep…


God,
I am hopeless…
I miss the people I loved
I miss my cats
And that one special pet…
I missed him terribly God…
Can I ever hug him again?
The pain that I stuck inside of me
Would burst out everytime I think of him.
You know how much I cared for him
How much he mean for me.
God…
Are you there?


Then You appeared to me God.
In my dream,
A form of an angel.
I cried at His sight
He was shinning brightly
I can’t see Him clearly.
Then He told me
That He was sent in Jesus name.
He had resurrected me
And then I had thought,
Have I died?
In my dreams it told me,
Someone killed me
Thrown me into a pit
But the angel lifted my soul.
I was delighted.
I search for my mother then,
To save her from her husband


I woke up, still confused.
I asked God if He was there,
And in my dream
The angel prove to me that
God, You are there,
You are listening to me!=)
The death of my life in my dream,
Might mean that someday,
I would die together with my wrong doing, my sins
And live again as a Christian.


I would lie to You if I told You I had forgiven him…
God, I don’t want to live with him anymore…
But I don’t know if I can take
To be parted from those I loved…
You are the only Father I knew
God, can You share to me…
Even a little of Your love.
Guide me God, support me.
Show me the way…

Lead my life God
Because I am confused.
I will be strong, I promise.
Please don’t leave me.
Guide me to Your home.
I love You, Jesus

Beating the Red Light

Life was a big joy ride for us, specially when we’re all together. we forget all dilemma, all heartache, our failing school grade, family problem and all that is pestering us from living our own life. we search for each other’s aid and soothe each one with care. we believe we are our own family, we are one.

So we had broken every rules that we thought would fetter us, believing that we have somebody by our side. we would never leave each other alone… never. but as we go on to this world, we realized that our plans wouldn’t be executed if we don’t follow the current of real life and then we begin again. hoping that this time, it is for the betterment of all. we once had fallen, but we can always stand up, and each time we learn, each time we grow stronger.

No more violations, we have beaten the red light.

The Sunflower

Still and always you are,
Turning round without peace.
You’ve fixed the brand of sun,
In your lively yellow color.
That heat gives you the force,
And for you nothing other counts.
Your hunger does not fade.
Your thirst does not wane.
When then the evening is falling,
Your life is suspended,
Every thing becomes black,
And next morning all starts again.
But that sense can never have,
Your blind, barren way to behave.
Watching and not seeing,
And loving without enjoying.

(anonymous)