Trials

It really amazes me when I think back at how long it had been since I fell in love with him. How it may seem to be a long forgotten road, a mere memory on how it all started but the feeling stayed here in my heart. There were times that I thought I had lost it. That every time I read his text messages saying “I love you” I felt indifferent and I was wrong to think that I was losing my feelings, it was still there, sleeping maybe.

I thought that I would be better off without him, some of my friends also thought too but no, I am miserable. I can’t bear the fact that he will not think about me anymore or that his angry with me. I don’t want him to hate me. They said I will find another man but I don’t want to be touch by another man’s arms. I would cry if another man would insist on grabbing me. I don’t want to feel another man’s skin. I thought I could easily move on have another man to be with but I can’t. My body can’t, my mind can’t, my heart can’t – I’m stuck with him.

It is more painful now that we are broken up than when we were together fighting and if there were things that I learned, these were those:

One, when love hurts you it drives you crazy. You can’t think straight, you can’t make the best decisions for your self and you’re paranoid at what will happen every single minute that you’re not together.

Two, you can easily pass an audition for a drama film since just one thought of him not loving you anymore can bring your tears to like a heavy pouring rain. You cry at the shower, you cry at your parents empty room, you cry at night when the lights are off and you are trying so hard to keep it in just so your sister will not hear you crying.

Three, you keep your self busy with work just so you can escape from the loneliness but the downside is that you can never really focus to your job since your mind is pre-occupied.

Four, when you love somebody you get vulnerable and the pain you will feel depends on how much you let that feeling go deep into your heart. You will now how much you love a person when he hurts you.

But I think the biggest realization I had was this:

“How much can you really love a person that you can keep in the pain just so you and him can make it to forever?”

Then I think I just found out my answer…

I am happy that I found love while I was still young and I think I am lucky that for the many reasons that he might not, he loved me back.

He and I have our similarities and a great range of differences but every relationship has them. The song was wrong when it said “love me for what I am”, it is not really changing oneself –of course it’s wrong, it is about constant adjustment for both sides to fit one another.

Trial, its one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Its only when things subside that you can see things more clearly and you get to understand why things are happening and that everything is for a reason. I am not saying were getting back together or that we are breaking apart. What I know is only my present, everything else only Future knows.