For Liberty

God I got it, this is not for me…

I got hurt being in my dream.
This is what I got for surpassing
What was really planned for me.
I thought this was the answer,
But I was wrong.
I failed miserably.
And the end result was
A completely shattered identity.

I quit!
No, I am not weak.
Who are you to tell me that I am not that strong?
Just because of these puffy, teary eyes?
You are judging me wrongly!

I quit!
I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
I am too sick of living this hell again.
Sick of the yelling! Sick of how you treated me so lowly.
And I am tired of you always pulling my self esteem down.

I quit!
And YES, I am strong!
Strong enough to throw away this dream.
To dust of every hopes of being successful
To totally erase those plans I have for my future.

Yet again,
I have to protect myself from a person
Whom amongst of the many who wants to torture me,
In living in trauma.
I’ll free myself from this.
I’ll save that little dignity you left for me.
This is not for me.
This is too low to even fight for.
I am not what you think I am
And I’ll never be loyal to you
Just because of the benefits, of the money.
I am not a paid slave.
And I’ll never be that.
I resign.

(November 25th, 2007 )

Free

I did it.
Freeing myself from darkness,
Being able to live and feel life again.

I finally learn how to be a person
A person who is not totally submerge from craziness
Craziness of loving you.

I know I acted immaturely when we’re starting this
relationship
I was completely drenched from the thoughts of loving you.
I was not loving you at all, I was craving.

But I did it!

And I’m so happy to finally renew my self.
Now I can lift both my arms and feel the warm sun dry my
tears away.

I’m happy to have finally forgotten those bitter memories.
Those nightmares that haunted me even when I’m awake.
Though it would never really go away. There is still pain
kept. But I’m happy.

I surpassed the test.
And it led me to grow to a person that I am now.
The person that loves myself.

Learning to love myself was the only key that opened the
door to freedom
Now I have no regrets why I was given such heartache.
Now I knew the reason why God brought me to this path.

I am willing to accept reality that nobody is perfect.
And that no person must be stagnant.
Everyone must grow… relationships must grow.

The distant relationship and everything I went through was
the perfect package.
This design was nevertheless primed to make me a better
person.
Now I am ready.

I am all set to begin another journey.
All I pray is that I have enough courage to face the next
worst scenario that I am about to brawl
All this for the sake of having
the best possible future
together.

So here I come
The tunnels much darker now
But I’m ready to go in
I may be weak, half-prepared, and defenseless
But I will not be defeated that easily.
I will not give up because now I know I have something to
hold on to.
It is because I have you.

Now I’m starting…
beginning…
to love you
the right way.

February 11th, 2007

To the Unworthy Friend

If my memory serves me correctly, it was almost 1 and a half year from that day that we called our friendship over. We were very mean tempered and couldn’t get along from that dreadful week that we thought would bond our relationship much stronger. Well, we were wrong. I admit that we are so stupid to quarrel at things like that. We were both immature and would keep our pride, never admitting that we’re both wrong.

It was funny now to think about our situation back then. We acted like preschoolers. I can still remember that face that you wore every time we passed by each other. You never forget to let me see how angry you are at me. And how about those things we said out loud to ensure that we heard each other’s “parinig”. It was like those times in our freshman years that we swore to become rivals. We never let one out numbered each other. We were so dumb busy fighting over a guy that didn’t even become our li’l buttercup. It really made me laugh to think about those times that we say to noemi that we fought at that guy that eventually became hers.

Well I don’t know how we became good friends, even close friends! I know it started when we step on our sophomore year. We became classmates again and then it kinda gets fuzzy around that… All I know is that you will come to me from that time and tell me how you were left out from the group that you constantly come with.

I know you tell our friends how bad I was when we were at our first year. You told them our “freshman fighting series”. You were so mean to make them see me as if I was the only bad girl from those times! Holler? As if you never fought back? Well girl, it never occurred to me too that we would end up being sisters. I don’t know when you started to feel that I was your bestbud. Even I didn’t know when it happened during that sophomore year. I can recall though, that time when we were at jenn’s house, they were asking who our bestfriend was. It was for that slambook that was passed around the group. They were teasing us that we were bestbuds and it gotten into my head that, well, maybe we were.

We thought we would never get angry again at each other because of the rough path that eventually led to our sweet friendship. We thought we were stronger from those trials. I thought so, but we were still weak. Maybe it was those guys that weaken our friendship, those guys that we loved. It was from these moments that I think I should have chosen to secure our friendship than waste it to some unworthy lover.

It was hard for me to feel our friendship deteriorating each day. It was hard for me that you led the group away from me because of my relationship with another. I thought, for all people, you were the one that would not left me from those times when I needed your understanding and your hand. It affected me so much but I kept quiet. I know I shouldn’t burst my thoughts for it may signify the end of everything we shared. Sadly, you never empathized with me, friend. You never did.

I wrote you that e-mail regarding those thoughts that was kept in my head. I even told you how awful I felt for those cold walls that kept building between us. I still have faith that one day our friendship would be as sweet as it was way back then.

It was on that week that I thought had come for our replenishment but then, it led to our downfall. I could not keep the twinge when you had chosen them over me. Do you realize that you did that everytime there are misunderstanding in our group? You left me for them, the prize I received from the trust I gave on you.

You left me dear friend, just when I needed you most. It did notify me that you would never stand for me. I thought I was special for you. That maybe I was in your heart or that maybe you appreciated me not just of a person but of a friend that cared for you the most. I didn’t know that you could easily throw away the relationship we had just like that. It signified the end. Maybe we were both weak but maybe this is how our friendship would end-just a mere memory.

I’m sorry if I can’t go out anymore with our barkada. I’m keeping myself busy now from studying. I’m sorry if I keep paying attention to other things than those messages you send. Maybe I don’t want to understand anymore what you were trying to tell me or if there is really something that you want me to feel. Maybe I’m scared from the friendship your offering me that is why I kept in distant. Still, I would assure you that I would never forget you and those beautiful memories that will live in my heart forever.

Thank you my dear friend and a sad
goodbye.

From the friend who
loved you truly,

AZL.

On the Hollow of Agony

I guess I was defeated. I thought I was stronger. That I can manage to protect myself from there mistakes. Thought that I can handle all situations with all plans and decisions that I made, but I was wrong.

I never thought that this would happen. I haven’t for seen it, I never imagined it. It came unexpectedly. Like a thief in the night, silently sneaking to tear my heart apart.

They won, if they planned to ruin every living cells in me, they’ve done it. It was a pretty good job, a good job that caused me to hate myself, to destroy my well-being, to be crazy and to totally drench myself into pain, sorrow and wretchedness.

It’s hard to peek up the pieces of once shattered life. My faith on you was so high that it led to a great downfall at one blow. I still feel that I’m on the deepest part of the ocean, trying to come up, trying to breathe once again…

I didn’t imagine that it would last this long. I never wished it did, I even hoped that it would just be swept away by the rough air that comes passing through my life. I never deserved this feeling. I was too young to be heartbroken… too young to face this kind of situations.

It had taken away my smile, my laughter and the joys of living. I could only remember you with all those heartaches and painful remnants of unfading memories.

I need to move on to save myself from being completely annihilated, and I needed to do it with me alone. If only I can be reborn to life again and start out all over.

Up to that day, when I’ll finally come out of my cocoon and will see the light up above the heavens and with victory on my grasp that I will say “I did it!”