Your fixing yourself, I'm healing mine. If you do come back to me I hope its not to late. Coz I don't have any choice. But to kill this emotion in order to survive. If we meet up again in the future, I'll be a completely different person. That's the only thing I can promise you.
I really don't know if I'm gonna be excited to go back home to Ilocos after knowing from my cousin, Kuya Wencie, that Bubong is staying most of the time at my aunt's house to take care of the goat. They're still teasing me about him even though it was ages ago and it was not really a big time crush, it was just a one time appreciation of how good he was at basketball.
I think I'm not yet ready to go back and be judge again with my body. They will all say how fat I become as if I had babies already. Jeez people, their standard of sexy is even more crucial than the people here in the city. Oh gosh, I will really need to buy myself some new clothes that will really look amazing on me. I'll show them I'm still pretty.=)
Well anyways I getting bored at gym. My trainer, Kuya Obet, transferred to Fitness Center. I can't really enjoy going to the gym anymore. It almost felt like I am doing chores rather than having fun. Well of course loosing weight is not fun but what the heck. If I don't enjoy what I'm doing I never be able to finish what I started.
It was funny as I think back at my first few trainings with Kuya Obet. It was at the time that I felt I was never really appreciated by Evan as a woman. It doesn't felt like he wants me anymore because of his actions towards me whenever I was with him in Batangas. By the time I went back home here in the City I was really devastated.
Then I found it with Kuya Obet. First of all guys, I really think that he had been professional in dealing with me. After 2 hours of gym works he would rub my back and stretch my arms and legs to relax my muscles. It really felt so good. As I lay there with my eyes closed I always wished that Evan was the one doing it.
That had become my motivation to go to the gym almost everyday. I really felt pathetic that I had to find it from some other guy what he can't seem to give to me- to feel appreciated. He would tell me that I'm glowing because I'm loosing weight and I would always smile at his comments. It came to a point where I went to a department store to buy a new perfume so that I would smell pretty beside him.
That had been my deal breaker. I lost it. I really felt that I was disrespecting myself by having to find appreciation indirectly from my gym instructor. I was like beyond pathetic- I was so cheap!
Well now he' gone. I'm just have to find something to motivate me to go to the gym. Anyway I think I'm doing fine by myself. Noemi is with Kevin, Ryan with Sophie, Sonny with Michelle and Buddy with his Michelle, every body else got their partners all except me. Wow, the world has really turn upside down now. I remember my phone conversation with Ryan. I told him that maybe I should have waited and didn't get a boyfriend when I was in highschool. Maybe by now I too will have somebody with me. He just said, "Duh, I doubt it." Well, what can I say, Ryan is a real jerk!
From my last conversation with Evan he said WE still existed but I don't know. He doesn't even text me lately. I think he's always waiting for me to talk to him first. Why is he even like that? I'm caught in between hoping that we'll be able to make through this or accepting that what we had already ended. If he really wants me to hold on then why is he treating me like this? If I don't contact him it really felt like he doesn't even exist. I think I will be always be like this with him- taken for granted. ='C
I’m in conflict, I have a problem guys. I was always a crybaby and I just discovered that from the last incident that I posted in my blog. I never realized I could cry that easily in public. Well I guess I’ve been crying my whole life, I’m always that vulnerable and sensitive.
I’m the youngest in our family. When I was little and my brother and sister were going to school already, I remember my parents leaving me with my Lola and my uncle. I remember crying while seeing them off. My Lola was nice to me but my Uncle who lives with her was strict. One day I tasted my Lola’s medicine and found it to taste fruity so I ate it all. Upon my Uncle’s discovery he got really mad and began to hit me with his slippers. My Lola told him to stop and covered me with her back. I love her so much and I miss her. I miss someone who would protect me like that. Not even my mother would do that to protect me from my father. Unfortunately she didn’t live that long. She was the only grandmother that I’ve known.
When my brother reached high school he came to lived with our Aunt’s house . I was always so close to him back then. He was the second one who protected me, protected me from my sister whenever we quarreled. He was always there for me when my sister makes me cry. My brother became independent after that and he never really stayed home for long period of time. Now he’s married I never got that chance to spend some time with him again . He’s too far apart.
Maybe because I was the youngest that I always longed for someone to be there as my shield but I learned everything the hard way, there’s not always somebody who could protect me. Not everyone cares if I cry so made myself strong.
When I was a kid my father would beat me. I was so afraid of him specially when he came home drunk. I already experienced being punched in the face, being kicked. I was only in grade school. The first time that I retaliated back was when I was in my third year in high school. It was also the first time that I ran away from home and came to live with my cousins.
I believe that it started from that point that I began to harness this anger. From being scared and traumatized I hardened myself up. Whenever my father went home screaming drunk, my heart would pound so hard until I learned that if I suppress my fear and turn this into rage I would not be afraid anymore and be braver.
And it did help me; I was able to go on with my life. Though I was rebellious I did not take the path of drugs nor alcohol. I was able to carry myself up until I graduated, get employed and have a normal life but what I did not see coming from that day was what’s happening to me now. I’m always so angry.
I’m a sensitive person, and when a person says something that I don’t like I get hurt so easily and that instant I’m already angry with her/him. Lately I’ve been like living like that. I can’t smile in the morning and I’m always frowning. I’m always carrying this big rock in my shoulder and to top it all, my love life is a mess.
I’m in trial. They’re letting me have it all, this whole crazy emotion. There was a point when I said to myself maybe if I also turned this loneliness to anger maybe I could get rid of my feelings with him so easily. I’ll start hating them all and to despise him specially. And its not that hard, I’ve done it before to protect myself. before. If I hardened myself it would be the easiest way that I could move on.
But I had this dream. I believe our dream is one way on how God can talk to us just like in the stories written in the Bible. I woke up sweating that morning. I had a terrible nightmare and I knew what is it telling me about. If I continue to harness this anger I’ll be a monster and I don’t want to be a monster.
Now I’m fighting to regain my lost identity behind all this mask of rage where I was able to smile and to laugh again and be at peace with myself. Its just hard when there’s always somebody there to hurt you and let you down all the time.
