Rage

I’m in conflict, I have a problem guys. I was always a crybaby and I just discovered that from the last incident that I posted in my blog. I never realized I could cry that easily in public. Well I guess I’ve been crying my whole life, I’m always that vulnerable and sensitive.

I’m the youngest in our family. When I was little and my brother and sister were going to school already, I remember my parents leaving me with my Lola and my uncle. I remember crying while seeing them off. My Lola was nice to me but my Uncle who lives with her was strict. One day I tasted my Lola’s medicine and found it to taste fruity so I ate it all. Upon my Uncle’s discovery he got really mad and began to hit me with his slippers. My Lola told him to stop and covered me with her back. I love her so much and I miss her. I miss someone who would protect me like that. Not even my mother would do that to protect me from my father. Unfortunately she didn’t live that long. She was the only grandmother that I’ve known.

When my brother reached high school he came to lived with our Aunt’s house . I was always so close to him back then. He was the second one who protected me, protected me from my sister whenever we quarreled. He was always there for me when my sister makes me cry. My brother became independent after that and he never really stayed home for long period of time. Now he’s married I never got that chance to spend some time with him again . He’s too far apart.

Maybe because I was the youngest that I always longed for someone to be there as my shield but I learned everything the hard way, there’s not always somebody who could protect me. Not everyone cares if I cry so made myself strong.

When I was a kid my father would beat me. I was so afraid of him specially when he came home drunk. I already experienced being punched in the face, being kicked. I was only in grade school. The first time that I retaliated back was when I was in my third year in high school. It was also the first time that I ran away from home and came to live with my cousins.

I believe that it started from that point that I began to harness this anger. From being scared and traumatized I hardened myself up. Whenever my father went home screaming drunk, my heart would pound so hard until I learned that if I suppress my fear and turn this into rage I would not be afraid anymore and be braver.

And it did help me; I was able to go on with my life. Though I was rebellious I did not take the path of drugs nor alcohol. I was able to carry myself up until I graduated, get employed and have a normal life but what I did not see coming from that day was what’s happening to me now. I’m always so angry.

I’m a sensitive person, and when a person says something that I don’t like I get hurt so easily and that instant I’m already angry with her/him. Lately I’ve been like living like that. I can’t smile in the morning and I’m always frowning. I’m always carrying this big rock in my shoulder and to top it all, my love life is a mess.

I’m in trial. They’re letting me have it all, this whole crazy emotion. There was a point when I said to myself maybe if I also turned this loneliness to anger maybe I could get rid of my feelings with him so easily. I’ll start hating them all and to despise him specially. And its not that hard, I’ve done it before to protect myself. before. If I hardened myself it would be the easiest way that I could move on.

But I had this dream. I believe our dream is one way on how God can talk to us just like in the stories written in the Bible. I woke up sweating that morning. I had a terrible nightmare and I knew what is it telling me about. If I continue to harness this anger I’ll be a monster and I don’t want to be a monster.

Now I’m fighting to regain my lost identity behind all this mask of rage where I was able to smile and to laugh again and be at peace with myself. Its just hard when there’s always somebody there to hurt you and let you down all the time.