The day I was so scared of finally happened, Ryan met Sophie. It was the signal that I have to let go of my best friend. It was so damn hard. He was always by my side for so many years. He was always so caring and reliable. It felt like my brother died. It is still so heartbreaking.
I kept my distance and tried myself so hard not to call on him anymore whenever I want to go out. I missed him terribly whenever I am faced with problems because he can easily take away my worries by his gags and candid comments.
And he did turn out to be a very different person. The last time our group met he was so quiet and always tending to his phone. He was not that cheerful person anymore that the group once knew.
The first few months that he and Sophie started to go out I went out of the group to find him a replacement. I took it as an opportunity to meet new people or to rekindle some of my past friends. Maybe it’s just me but I want all of my chess pieces to be complete and when my knight Ryan went out I just needed to find his understudy.
I think that these are the reasons that I longed for a male company, one was because of my daddy issues (I never did became close to my father), two was that I never really got a chance to spend time with my brother (I was closer to him than my sister when we were little) and three was that I had this long distance relationship with Evan.
First I renewed my friendship with Jayson. He was my buddy in our high school CAT days. He was always so straight forward and very tactful and that was the traits I like most about him. Introducing him to my family was so easily since he was welcomed immediately. We had our similarities and can talk at the same level. And like Ryan, he was there whenever I call on him.
He met his girlfriend Michelle and I thought its ok. I can cross out the part of “no possibility of him falling in love” part on my list.
Then I met Jp. We were batch mate but we never really got a chance to talk during our high school days. I stayed away from him during high school since he seems to be a practical joker. After six years of graduating we sat down together on an alumni meeting at school. He offered me a ride home with his motorcycle and that started it all.
Riding a motorcycle on the streets of the metro was a big thrill to me (as I was a thrill seeker) and there was something about riding behind him – I felt that I was taken care of. As dangerous as it is to ride a motorbike he always thinks about my safety and that he can send me home without any scratch and it touched me deeply.
We just click right there and then. And I was undoubtedly happy.
I thought to myself that I can finally let go of Ryan but then it happen, he started to feel something for me.
As much as it would be hard for the both of us, I have to let him go for a while to let his feeling suffice. They may say that I am already hurting him by avoiding him but I would rather hurt him that way rather than to make him feel that every time we will be together I can never return the same affection towards him.
I believe that I fully know myself in my affections with other people. At first sight I already sort them to “friend” or “lover”. Ryan, Jayson and Jp were among those people in the friend list and I know for a fact that I will never be intimate with. I do, I love them – as I loved my brother.
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