Saturday, July 2, 2011

THE LAST OF THAT LOVE…

I said goodbye. I was the one who let go and left.

I was quite surprised when he asked me to go inside San Sebastian Church. I was quite happy to be with him and pray beside him that day. I knelt down and pray to God that day saying “He is the one I will spend the rest of my life with. God, he is the one I love.” The rest I was telling Him how happy I was that I have found him and that we finally been a couple after almost three years of struggling and waiting. And even though we were having a rough time being in different universities now I said to God it’s ok, because I have him, nothing else matters.

I was happy that day.

The next morning a got a call from Aileen, asking me for an advice, “If you knew that the boyfriend of your friend was having an affair would you tell her?” I said to her “yes.” Then begin the worst days of my life. She told me everything about it and little by little it started to make sense. About how he would leave me at his home saying he’ll go to school and come back later. On how he said he went to the movies with his friends. On how he was on the internet café all night playing. My chest started to hurt and was so overwhelmed with pain I can’t even stop crying.

I went to school that day so heartbroken. Crying, crying and crying. But even through that endless pain I still said to my friends, “No, I will never break up with him.”

It was ironic how one night you were just talking to God how wonderful your life is now that you have him then the next morning you find out he was lying to you to be with someone else. I looked at myself and thought that maybe I gotten so fat he doesn’t like my physical appearance anymore. And for a long time I hated myself. I even blame myself for being too possessive that he had gotten an affair.

We’ve gotten through it. He said to me I was the one he had chosen. I tried to forget that it ever happened but I never did. And all the time that I brought it up in our fights he came saying “that was a long time ago, why do you keep bringing that up?” and again I felt so bad for always looking back at the past but the one thing he may never understand is that that affair made a big hole here in my heart that might never heal. The affair had ended a really long time ago but the pain still lives in me. That was how bad it was and nobody understands it.

Then after two years he went to live away from the metro. We had a long distance relationship. It was so hard to cope up with that. For the first few years of that long distance affair I was crying all the time seeing him off the bus. It just breaks my heart every time I see him off. When I get the chance to spend time with him he would always looked at his watch, keeping time on his travel back to Lipa. Kept thinking to myself if he even wanted to spend time with me as how much I wanted to be with him.

I was that young and naïve girl who was so in love. At a time I learned to pick up myself. I was gaining confidence and started rebuilding my self esteem. For a moment I trained myself to be independent from him and took things on my own. I had grown. I started to hold myself together and that crying naïve young girl was starting to disappear within me.

We had a good run, was able to be happy with what I have got with him. We were genuinely happy. It was not all sorrow and pains. But while I was maturing he had started to stop living. It was almost as if we were running this track that when I look for him he was so far behind me that I have to go back and wait for him to start running. So we walked, I walked beside him just to stay together. But the goal line was so inviting that I really wanted to go there faster but I can’t run without him. I was caught in this feeling.

We had a promise, ten years and we will get married. It will be the two of us on that altar. He might have been complacent that I will never really leave him. Many said I should, but I can’t do it. I can’t because I can’t even see myself on my own and not have him by my side. It will be like walking on one foot.

The years had been tough. I had broken up with him several times and just find myself asking for us to be together again.

There was this one time that I attended a wedding. When the priest gives his homily he said, “when a man wants to be with a woman he loves he should ask God for His permission, thus in this wedding it is for the groom to ask permission from the Lord to have her as his wife, on the other hand, a woman can’t ask God for a man to be his husband, a woman only prays to God that He may give her a good man to be his husband. She may make wishes or pray for a guy who would be loyal to her, who will be a good provider or someone who will not harm her physically.”

Then it hit me, was I just so insisting on making this relationship happened that God said “ok”? When I’ve broken it with him last 2009 I was so devastated that I prayed to Him to just set me free from this pain and that he may find a more suitable girl that could make him happy. That he could truly love enough that he could mountains. “If it really was not him for me then now I am willing to accept the man you wanted for me God”

Then it was a year later, I met Rick.

I was talking to my buddy saying “Nararamdaman ko Buddy may makikilala ako and I think siya na yun.”

After my vacation at Iloilo one of my officers approached me and told me that our new roving teller likes me. I just took it as a compliment and never really give it a meaning. At that time I was still with Evan. We recently had a fight that time saying to me that he really can’t make plans for our relationship because he doesn’t have the money to take me out on a date. He was asking me if I can wait for two more years. I accepted it. Thinking that two years will just pass by quickly, I just have to set my pride aside and be the one to provide if ever I wanted to spend time with him.

Evan was a really nice guys, he would be a good father and a good husband. I know he will not hit me physically like my father used to do with my mother. He was too much to let go of.

He was also a rational person, when I learned about Rick I even told it to him. He asked “gwapo ba?” that time I just said “Di ko type.”

But when Ma’am Brenda became my superior for a month my feelings changed. Ma’am Brenda was constantly teasing us that I began to be tense every time he visits our branch. There was a big smile in my face whenever I saw him coming and I just don’t know why I was feeling happy. I even like the scent of his perfume and every time I scented his perfume I know he was already there inside our branch.

But I felt myself still committed with Evan. When he asked me if I want to watch a movie with him last December I said I was spending time with my family. It was Christmas and I was heartbroken with Evan. To get my sadness out of my head I called for Jp that evening and we had a stroll on his motorcycle. Motorcycle rides gave me this rush that I eventually forget everything else and Jp had been a perfect gentleman with me. The feeling I get from him for keeping me safe while I sat behind him supplied me with what I lack from Evan, to be taken care of. I feel quite pathetic that I have to feel it from another.

I was so confused as the year was ending. With Evan, Jp and Rick but I decided to hold on with Evan so I agreed to go to Evan’s house for the new year. It wouldn’t be right to keep on hanging out with Jp knowing that he’s starting to have feelings with me. I can never return the same emotion with him although I value our friendship. I don’t want to use him and hurt him. With Rick I’m think its just an infatuation, a simple crush nothing more – nothing less.

So I went there at Lipa to make things right. Decided I should let Jp and Rick know I’m still choosing Evan. My vacation there would be the chance to rekindle our flickering light of love and make it burn again, make the feelings come again in my heart. I’m bearing too much sadness that I’m trying to find that feeling that I had a long time ago – my great love for him. I’m worried that I don’t know anymore how it feels, to feel love. I was starting to think if I still love him or I just don’t want to be apart from him. Why am I staying in this relationship? Is it really love or is it because I’m just used to be with him.

When I was just leaving their home that Sunday noon we had a fight. I was so angry with him for being so insensitive with me. For not even thinking I was about to go home in a bus ride for two hours, how could he make me eat a big plate of spaghetti? When we were walking towards the village entrance he was saying sorry. I was just crying so hard. Does he really know me? Is he really that insensitive? If this is the man that I’m about to spend the rest of my life with will I be this miserable? Will I always beg for his affection? Will I always tell him what I want from him just to feel he appreciates me too? Will I always be angry with him and feel so bad afterwards for not understanding his situation?

The first days of year 2011 had me thinking all about my future with Evan. The vacation I thought would clear up and strengthen my feelings for him had been the complete opposite as doubts clouded my mind. For so many years now that we have known each other we never really understood one another, we never had the chance to spend a long time together. When people ask how long is our relationship I say “almost eight years?” but if they asked me how long we’ve been a couple I can say – “about a year and a half?”

Last January 3, 2011 we had a conversation, apparently he was scolded by his father for leaving the house. I had to set aside my animosity and worries towards him and support him first. The latter feelings I will deal on my own.

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