The Biggest Mistake of my Life

It took me until today to figure out how to answer this question that was given to First Runner Up, Venus Raj. The critiques was right, this wasn’t an easy question to answer, even previous US President Bush wanted this question to have been given to him beforehand and not on an on spot interview.

If I was to answer this question this is how I will respond:

“It is when I lost my friendship to one my dearest friend back in high school. I did try to make things right between us, to win her back but I guess our friendship had already ended and it took me this long years before I had accepted it.”

“The only thing I could do now is to learn from that mistake. To cherish my friends deeply, to give them a genuine love and even though the world may look down upon them I will make sure to make them feel that they are in the highest pedestal in this world whenever they are with me – a sanctuary.”

And I just wanted to add, to Aileen, it really had been long time before I had move on from you. Now I can truly say from the bottom of my heart that I have no more bitterness about what had happen between us. I feel indifferent. We are now two different people and I feel like I don’t know you anymore, you really did changed. Maybe that is the reason why I had no more remorse feelings because the Aileen I know back then was never to be found again.

If we do cross each other’s path I will smile to you genuinely, to the new you that I still don’t know of. I wish you true happiness.

Dead Love

Your fixing yourself, I'm healing mine.
If you do come back to me I hope its not to late.
Coz I don't have any choice.
But to kill this emotion in order to survive.
If we meet up again in the future,
I'll be a completely different person.
That's the only thing I can promise you.

-Buffy
04/10/10

Unappreciated

I really don't know if I'm gonna be excited to go back home to Ilocos after knowing from my cousin, Kuya Wencie, that Bubong is staying most of the time at my aunt's house to take care of the goat. They're still teasing me about him even though it was ages ago and it was not really a big time crush, it was just a one time appreciation of how good he was at basketball.

I think I'm not yet ready to go back and be judge again with my body. They will all say how fat I become as if I had babies already. Jeez people, their standard of sexy is even more crucial than the people here in the city. Oh gosh, I will really need to buy myself some new clothes that will really look amazing on me. I'll show them I'm still pretty.=)

Well anyways I getting bored at gym. My trainer, Kuya Obet, transferred to Fitness Center. I can't really enjoy going to the gym anymore. It almost felt like I am doing chores rather than having fun. Well of course loosing weight is not fun but what the heck. If I don't enjoy what I'm doing I never be able to finish what I started.

It was funny as I think back at my first few trainings with Kuya Obet. It was at the time that I felt I was never really appreciated by Evan as a woman. It doesn't felt like he wants me anymore because of his actions towards me whenever I was with him in Batangas. By the time I went back home here in the City I was really devastated.

Then I found it with Kuya Obet. First of all guys, I really think that he had been professional in dealing with me. After 2 hours of gym works he would rub my back and stretch my arms and legs to relax my muscles. It really felt so good. As I lay there with my eyes closed I always wished that Evan was the one doing it.

That had become my motivation to go to the gym almost everyday. I really felt pathetic that I had to find it from some other guy what he can't seem to give to me- to feel appreciated. He would tell me that I'm glowing because I'm loosing weight and I would always smile at his comments. It came to a point where I went to a department store to buy a new perfume so that I would smell pretty beside him.

That had been my deal breaker. I lost it. I really felt that I was disrespecting myself by having to find appreciation indirectly from my gym instructor. I was like beyond pathetic- I was so cheap!

Well now he' gone. I'm just have to find something to motivate me to go to the gym. Anyway I think I'm doing fine by myself. Noemi is with Kevin, Ryan with Sophie, Sonny with Michelle and Buddy with his Michelle, every body else got their partners all except me. Wow, the world has really turn upside down now. I remember my phone conversation with Ryan. I told him that maybe I should have waited and didn't get a boyfriend when I was in highschool. Maybe by now I too will have somebody with me. He just said, "Duh, I doubt it." Well, what can I say, Ryan is a real jerk!

From my last conversation with Evan he said WE still existed but I don't know. He doesn't even text me lately. I think he's always waiting for me to talk to him first. Why is he even like that? I'm caught in between hoping that we'll be able to make through this or accepting that what we had already ended. If he really wants me to hold on then why is he treating me like this? If I don't contact him it really felt like he doesn't even exist. I think I will be always be like this with him- taken for granted. ='C

Rage

I’m in conflict, I have a problem guys. I was always a crybaby and I just discovered that from the last incident that I posted in my blog. I never realized I could cry that easily in public. Well I guess I’ve been crying my whole life, I’m always that vulnerable and sensitive.

I’m the youngest in our family. When I was little and my brother and sister were going to school already, I remember my parents leaving me with my Lola and my uncle. I remember crying while seeing them off. My Lola was nice to me but my Uncle who lives with her was strict. One day I tasted my Lola’s medicine and found it to taste fruity so I ate it all. Upon my Uncle’s discovery he got really mad and began to hit me with his slippers. My Lola told him to stop and covered me with her back. I love her so much and I miss her. I miss someone who would protect me like that. Not even my mother would do that to protect me from my father. Unfortunately she didn’t live that long. She was the only grandmother that I’ve known.

When my brother reached high school he came to lived with our Aunt’s house . I was always so close to him back then. He was the second one who protected me, protected me from my sister whenever we quarreled. He was always there for me when my sister makes me cry. My brother became independent after that and he never really stayed home for long period of time. Now he’s married I never got that chance to spend some time with him again . He’s too far apart.

Maybe because I was the youngest that I always longed for someone to be there as my shield but I learned everything the hard way, there’s not always somebody who could protect me. Not everyone cares if I cry so made myself strong.

When I was a kid my father would beat me. I was so afraid of him specially when he came home drunk. I already experienced being punched in the face, being kicked. I was only in grade school. The first time that I retaliated back was when I was in my third year in high school. It was also the first time that I ran away from home and came to live with my cousins.

I believe that it started from that point that I began to harness this anger. From being scared and traumatized I hardened myself up. Whenever my father went home screaming drunk, my heart would pound so hard until I learned that if I suppress my fear and turn this into rage I would not be afraid anymore and be braver.

And it did help me; I was able to go on with my life. Though I was rebellious I did not take the path of drugs nor alcohol. I was able to carry myself up until I graduated, get employed and have a normal life but what I did not see coming from that day was what’s happening to me now. I’m always so angry.

I’m a sensitive person, and when a person says something that I don’t like I get hurt so easily and that instant I’m already angry with her/him. Lately I’ve been like living like that. I can’t smile in the morning and I’m always frowning. I’m always carrying this big rock in my shoulder and to top it all, my love life is a mess.

I’m in trial. They’re letting me have it all, this whole crazy emotion. There was a point when I said to myself maybe if I also turned this loneliness to anger maybe I could get rid of my feelings with him so easily. I’ll start hating them all and to despise him specially. And its not that hard, I’ve done it before to protect myself. before. If I hardened myself it would be the easiest way that I could move on.

But I had this dream. I believe our dream is one way on how God can talk to us just like in the stories written in the Bible. I woke up sweating that morning. I had a terrible nightmare and I knew what is it telling me about. If I continue to harness this anger I’ll be a monster and I don’t want to be a monster.

Now I’m fighting to regain my lost identity behind all this mask of rage where I was able to smile and to laugh again and be at peace with myself. Its just hard when there’s always somebody there to hurt you and let you down all the time.

Complaint Letter on Defective Product

SECURITY OFICE

Grand Central

Caloocan City

Dear Sir;

I purchased a pair of black DS STYLE sandals for two hundred fifty pesos (Php250.00) last March 26, 2010(Friday) at around 1900 – 1930 from the complained tiangge stationed at the lower ground floor of Grand Central. I used the said sandals twice, on my way to Lipa last Saturday and on my trip back to Caloocan. Today, two days after the purchase at around 14:00, while I was walking towards the village entrance from Lipa the right sandal split into two. There was no store around to buy myself a pair of slippers so I decided to walk my way through tiptoed to match the 2’inch hills of my left foot. By the time that I was at the bus station the other sandal broke also.

I had a really hard time walking since I can practically feel the ground by only wearing what was left of the sandals with no hills. From walking from Buendia to the LRT station then from LRT station towards the lower ground of the Grand Central I was walking carefully since I might slip down.

When I approached the two lady vendors I vent out about the defective sandals I just bought. I had taken Business Law as one of my subjects back in college and I am fully aware of the Consumer Act regarding defective products. I know for a fact that it was a defective product and my right is to demand a replacement or reimbursement of what I had paid. One of the vendor disagreed with me and said I can’t return the said sandals since it was purchased in “good condition” but if it is in good condition it would not broke down so easily. They didn’t assist me or help me any further. I asked for a receipt but they didn’t gave me any and they’re alibi was that the official receipt was with the owner. She, the vendor, said that she told me that there was no receipt back when I was purchasing the sandals but I did not remember that she had said that to me. They entertained other customers while leaving me there standing. I was already frustrated that no one would give me any remedy then I asked to see the owner of the store but no one did answer me seriously. I felt that the owner was hiding from me so I went to the Security Office to help me on this matter.

On my part I can say that I exercised due diligence on my way of using the sandals and I paid good money for it. I just lost two hundred fifty pesos which is very material for me. The owner should have trained their staff more effectively while the vendor should not speak to the customer if she doesn’t know how to respond politely to a customer. I think that both the owner and the vendor have the responsibility to at least study or even read the Consumer Act since they’re doing business.

I plead to the management of Grand Central to take action regarding this matter.

Thank you very much.

Smile – Uncle Kracker Music Code

Trials

It really amazes me when I think back at how long it had been since I fell in love with him. How it may seem to be a long forgotten road, a mere memory on how it all started but the feeling stayed here in my heart. There were times that I thought I had lost it. That every time I read his text messages saying “I love you” I felt indifferent and I was wrong to think that I was losing my feelings, it was still there, sleeping maybe.

I thought that I would be better off without him, some of my friends also thought too but no, I am miserable. I can’t bear the fact that he will not think about me anymore or that his angry with me. I don’t want him to hate me. They said I will find another man but I don’t want to be touch by another man’s arms. I would cry if another man would insist on grabbing me. I don’t want to feel another man’s skin. I thought I could easily move on have another man to be with but I can’t. My body can’t, my mind can’t, my heart can’t – I’m stuck with him.

It is more painful now that we are broken up than when we were together fighting and if there were things that I learned, these were those:

One, when love hurts you it drives you crazy. You can’t think straight, you can’t make the best decisions for your self and you’re paranoid at what will happen every single minute that you’re not together.

Two, you can easily pass an audition for a drama film since just one thought of him not loving you anymore can bring your tears to like a heavy pouring rain. You cry at the shower, you cry at your parents empty room, you cry at night when the lights are off and you are trying so hard to keep it in just so your sister will not hear you crying.

Three, you keep your self busy with work just so you can escape from the loneliness but the downside is that you can never really focus to your job since your mind is pre-occupied.

Four, when you love somebody you get vulnerable and the pain you will feel depends on how much you let that feeling go deep into your heart. You will now how much you love a person when he hurts you.

But I think the biggest realization I had was this:

“How much can you really love a person that you can keep in the pain just so you and him can make it to forever?”

Then I think I just found out my answer…

I am happy that I found love while I was still young and I think I am lucky that for the many reasons that he might not, he loved me back.

He and I have our similarities and a great range of differences but every relationship has them. The song was wrong when it said “love me for what I am”, it is not really changing oneself –of course it’s wrong, it is about constant adjustment for both sides to fit one another.

Trial, its one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Its only when things subside that you can see things more clearly and you get to understand why things are happening and that everything is for a reason. I am not saying were getting back together or that we are breaking apart. What I know is only my present, everything else only Future knows.